Lovely Silk Harem: Sexy Hell
by MinxytheJinx
Summary: If you came here for a quality fanfiction about Prince Poo, then you came to the wrong place. Since Poo is getting close to marriageable age, his father gets his son a harem. However, Poo is unable to pick one to be his wife. Will Poo ever pick one? Will Poo find the perfect wife? Would someone even read this? (Crack fic and OOC)
1. Chapter 1

**Minxy: And from one crack fic to another. Ladies and gentlemen, I beg to put before you Lovely Silk Harem: Sexy Hell. Only this time, I'm messing around with Earthbound and it can only go so well. Welp, no more beating around the bush. Let's get this show on the road.**

The New Year in Dalaam was a time for wishes, fireworks, resolutions and celebrations hither and thither. Men from far and wide went to wish Emperor Feng good fortune. And who wouldn't? It was enough that he was the Emperor of Dalaam and had five beautiful wives as well gold pieces at his dispense. But Emperor Feng was one of few men who managed to have a son since the last fourteen years.

Nobody knew why mostly girls were being born these past years. However, it was widely believed that it was a curse from the gods. The deities in Dalaam weren't the most benevolent creatures and they sometimes just curse these pathetic humans for their amusement.

But the Emperor of Dalaam had a son despite this. An average and pathetic son but a son nonetheless. Poo was a boy of fourteen and he was a light-skinned fellow due to his idle life. His hair was jet black and so were his eyes. For the New Year festival, he wore purple silk coat with black velvet shoes. The only thing I could say about this boy was that he was nice?

Anyways, father and son sat side by side. Upon the table were the finest delicacies and sweetmeats. Poo, because his appetite was bigger than an elephant, ate more than a man his size should be able to swallow. This sturdy and handsome farmer came before them dressed in his finest blue cotton coat.

"And I cannot wish any greater fortune than what you have now, a son in your Palace and all the women a man could desire," the farmer said. And then he went into loud musing, "And if I were also as fortunate as you were then I would've married off my daughter, who is beautiful and like a quince blossom, to your son."

Emperor Feng was proud that all these men were coming to wish him fortune and complimented his son. He did not, however, appreciate that these common men wanted their daughters to marry his son. But Emperor Feng did not want a girl who was common, pock-marked or deformed. He especially did not want his son to marry a girl who could read for they were dangerous. Poo's bride must be a pretty girl who was idiot and of noble birth.

Actually, now that he began to think about it, Poo was nearing marriageable age. He should be arranging the matter of marriage right now.

"Well then, I will buy slaves to divert him and he shall decide which one of them he will marry," Emperor Feng thought.

Then he rose and he went to Yee-soo-chii who was in Poo's throne room and said to him, "Now, my son is of marriageable age."

"And so he is," Yee-soo-chii answered. Knowing what the Emperor was about to say next, he asked, "What are you planning to do with the boy?"

As he predicted, the Emperor spoke forth, "There is the silk merchant named Yang Tai and he has a daughter named Jin Tai. I want you to go to him and arrange the matter. However, she can only come here and be a concubine unless my son decides that she should be his wife."

"And I will do what the Great Ancient One requests of me."

And Yee-soo-chii went to arrange this thing after Emperor Feng filled his hands with gold pieces. And Emperor Feng was content that he had thing whole thing under control. Now, he can go into the inner courts and divert himself whatever woman he chose and not be bothered with his son anymore.

Arranging the matter turned out to be a success and the girl named Jin Tai came on a bright, cool and beautiful day during Spring. The procession to the Palace was an extravagant one since Yang Tai was a rich man. But Poo did not see the procession. Rather, he hid in his bedroom because he was a shy boy and did not know how to present himself before this girl who would soon be his concubine.

You see, Poo was not very good with women. I would go as far as to say that he was a woman's bitch. Even a man like him is strong enough to stand his ground but I guess his balls are smaller than Charles II of Spain's. Thus, even little girls can beat him up. However, if the black jade bangle on his right hand were to disappear, he would become a completely different person. But that was a rare occasion.

"Poo, you must appear before your lady at once!" Someone called from outside.

Poo groaned as he reluctantly got up. He was not ready to appear before this girl. But it must be done. As he walked through hall after hall and court after court while looking down, it felt like a long way even though the Palace of Dalaam was his home. After what seemed like forever, he reached the staircase. Poo gulped then he slowly but surely made his way down.

As he did so, Poo suddenly began to imagine what this new concubine of his was like. Perhaps she was a seductive and busty woman. Perhaps she was a voluptuous but shy and clumsy girl. Perhaps she was a tsundere. Abuse may turn the rest of us off but there are those people who are turned on by them. Dalaam is filled with them.

When he was almost there, he saw her. A fair and petite girl with A-cups, cat-like golden eyes and long white hair styled into odango buns with pigtails. She looked at him angrily and huffed when she turned away. Poo was so captivated by this girl that he didn't notice the banana peel on the second to final step and he slipped. Somehow, he flew towards her and fell right on top of her, his hands now having a firm grasp on the breasts she apparently had. Seeing the awkward position they were in, Poo tried to explain that it was an accident. However, he did not get off of her.

The girl reacted quickly and proceeded to kick Poo in the groin. That got him off of her. The girl got to her feet and dusted herself off.

"If I knew that this pathetic baka was to be my master, I would not have come here!" Jin screamed with her shrieking voice that is totally pleasant to the ears. Then she turned to one of the slaves and yelled, "Where is my room?"

A maid who was quiet and just as petite as Jin was gestured for the young lady to follow her and they went. Meanwhile, Poo was still crouching on the floor. Tears were flowing out of his eyes and his nose was bleeding. Whoever was in the room just stared at him in his pitiful state. Then he muttered suddenly: "I was only trying to be nice..."

And, for now, we must close the curtains on this ordeal.

 **Minxy: Oh boy, this was a pain to write! Especially since Poo is my favorite character in the Mother series! Look at what I've done to him! But don't worry, I didn't give him that bangle for nothing. Also, I hope you like himederes. Anyways, don't forget to leave a review. I rarely ever write legit stories because I'm unsure of my writing abilities.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Minxy: Before we begin, I'd like to thank all who've read this story so far. It's really an honor to know that people enjoy the crap I write. In this chapter, we'll be introduced to yet another member of Poo's ever growing harem. Will she be any better than Jin? Perhaps she is but I am personally disappointed. Anyways, on to the story! Also, leave a review if you want.**

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This was supposed to be a luxury, the prince's first concubine. At first she seemed perfect with her childish looks and the fact that she was a tsundere. He didn't mind how she pushed him away often nor did he seem to care how needlessly violent she was. But as days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months, it finally became clear to Poo that he won't be able to eat and drink of his love. But instead of going slower and taking his time to know the girl as a person, he did what any wuss would do and went speaking to his father about getting another woman.

His father obliged but just to get this hormonal wimp to shut up. Would you blame him though? I know that I wouldn't want to listen to a voice that breaks easier than glass. But anyways, his father allowed him to add another woman to his concubinage. Only this time, the boy could go out and pick whatever woman he desired. Well, except for the ones who were pock-marked and deformed as well as the ones who were common and literate.

And so, one night, the young boy put on his finest cloth and went to the House of Diamonds which just so happens to be the same tea house where his father got most of his concubines. It was a large two-storey building that was not too far from the Palace of Dalaam. I'd tell you more about how this place looked, but nobody cares about that. The only thing that matters here are the sexy women.

Poo happened to be fortunate enough to be given the table next to pictures of women. More specifially, the women who worked nights. The most beautiful woman caught his eye. An extravagantly dressed woman with large breasts and long purple hair. Her eye large cat-like eyes were darker than her hair. Poo didn't care whether he was her first or her hundredth, she got big boobs.

But when he had the opportunity to have his fill of her, he was suddenly shy and decided that he wouldn't have her until the matter was arranged. It was because he had arrived, the haughty, rich and extremely attractive Jiajin Gang. For as long as he could remember, Jiajin was the bane of his existence. Jiajin always made fun of Poo and was one hell of a womanizer. Poo knew that if he was caught in here, Jiajin will take the buxom beauty away from him. Thankfully, he got out before he could be seen.

As soon as he returned to the palace, he was greeted by Jin Tai. It was anything but pleasant.

"You baka!" she screamed at the top of her lungs, "Where is it?"

"What?" Poo questioned.

Jin spoke forth, "You should know, you pervert! My pantsu is gone and I know that you have it!"

"W-what? No no no! I-I don't have your pantsu!"

"Is that so? Then why are you stuttering? And why are you sweating too?" Jin folded her arms and huffed.

Poo took out what he assumed to be a white handkerchief and began to wipe the sweat off his forehead, "Well, uh, it's because I was working out! Yeah, that's it! Guys gotta work out, ya know."

Jin looked at Poo's handkerchief and let out a scream.

"What's wrong?" Poo asked. Realising that she was looking at the handkerchief, he looked at it too. Words cannot describe how he felt when he realized that his handkerchief was really Jin's pantsu.

"I KNEW IT! YOU PERVERTED BAKA! TAKE THIS!" Jin roared.

"W-wait! I didn't... " Before he could finish, Poo was punched into the highest Heaven by Jin's little but firm hand.

With the matter arranged and yet another extravagant procession, Poo had a second concubine in a young woman named Bao-Hua. When she arrived, she passed Poo straight and let herself be escorted into her room. Bao-Hua was much more interested in the new lavish lifestyle that was handed to her instead of the boy who made it possible. So for the rest of the day Bao-Hua dabbled with sweetmeats and fine delicacies, indulge in gambling and chattered amongst Emperor Feng's concubines while Poo waited for the woman who would never come to him for that day.

When Poo finally came to the realisation that Bao-Hua would not appear before him, he began to cry.

"Why do girls hate me?" He whined.

"Because you have to be the biggest wuss in Dalaam!"

"Huh?" Poo exclaimed, "Who said that?"

The voice replied, "Do not act like you don't know who said that, prince lecher."

Poo groaned as he turned to the tall gilded mirror in his room. It has been covered by that red quilt for a while now. He thought that it might be able to shut him up. And it seemed to work but it appears it was only because he decided that he had nothing to say. Poo walked up to the mirror and pulled the quilt off. There he stood, the reason why Poo had covered the mirror in the first place, with his arms folded and his fierce red eyes piercing Poo's soul.

When he looked at his 'reflection', Poo was suddenly reminded of another reason why he had covered the mirror. He was a short, slim and plain looking boy while his 'reflection' on the other hand was tall, muscular with a lithe and handsome. Poo always felt insignificant when he looked at the other Poo because he was a reminder of what he could be if he tried to become better.

"You're mean!" Poo cried.

The other Poo shrugged his shoulders and then answered, "But it is better to be mean than to be like you."

"Hey!"

The other Poo let out a hoarse laugh and changed the subject, "Why have you brought another woman into the palace?"

"What's wrong with that?"

"So many bad things can happen when you have multiple women competing for your affection," the Other Poo's expression changed to one of sorrow, "I should know... I'm sorry but I do not want to talk about it."

Poo said, "It's not like you'd help me anyways. Your advice never works."

"You hardly ever take my advice at all. That's why you're still in school when you should be a scholar by now."

Poo remained silent.

Then the other Poo said, "I will give you advice about maintaining your concubinage. It just might save a life."

Poo listened to the other Poo but he did not heed his advice. Jin and Bao-Hua were, after all, only women. There was no way they could possibly think of doing any sort of harm to each other. So Poo let them go about their merry way with no rules to set them straight.

And it was around this time that Jiajin Gang began to be a problem for Poo once again. He came one day while Poo was studying under a quince tree to show off a new woman he had charmed. Poo did not want to deal with Jiajin so he just pretended that he didn't know he was there.

"Greetings, prince Dung," Jiajin sneered, "still a virgin?"

Poo begged, "please, leave me alone."

"But you must simply see this new woman," Jiajin insisted.

"Well, I have two concubines!" Poo cried.

Jiajin laughed, "I can bet my life you only have them because your father felt sorry for you! I can't imagine a woman actually liking you."

"Stop!" It was only then that Poo looked up and he found that the woman was a busty purple-haired beauty. It was Bao-Hua! Poo felt is heart break into pieces that will never go back together again. After all he had done for her, this is how she would repay him? And Bao-Hua stood there pretending that she didn't know Poo at all. Noticing how hurt Poo was, Jiajin began to make fun of him. Poo felt like crying. Suddenly, the other Poo began to speak to him from the deep depths of his subconscious.

"So, you are just going to let this pervert get away with taking one of your women?" He roared.

"There's nothing I can do," Poo muttered.

The other Poo replied right away, "That is complete nonsense! You should know about Jiajin's double standards!"

"What double standard?" Poo questioned.

"Despite having affairs with multiple women, Jiajin hates it when a woman has multiple partners," the other Poo explained.

It was at that moment that Poo got on his feet with newfound confidence. Jiajin was shocked at this. Poo was would never look so confident. What was going on?

"Now you've reached a new low, Jiajin Gang!" Poo said mockingly, "You're looking for whores to divert you!"

"What?" Jiajin looked at Bao-Hua who was no paralyzed with fear.

Poo continued, "That's right. Bao-Hua is a whore that I bought from the House of Diamonds. I may not have touched her but plenty of other men have had their fill of her."

"I don't believe you!" Jiajin fumed.

Bao-Hua cried out suddenly, "Don't listen to this kid, Jiajin dear! I do not know him nor do I know about the House of Diamonds!"

"I'll put you back in the House of Diamonds for that, " Poo threatened, "but don't worry about it. Jiajin would be more than happy to buy you, wouldn't he?"

Bao-Hua looked at Jiajin with tears ready to run down her face, "You don't believe him, do you?"

Jiajin looked at Bao-Hua with newfound disgust, "I am not taking the chances!"

And with that Jiajin went running and left Bao-Hua behind. Poo laughed. He has never felt so alive since he came to this world. Bao-Hua stood there, looking at Jiajin running into the distance until she could no longer see him. Then she turned to Poo with vengeance and slapped him into kingdom come.

"I knew I should've ignored him!" Poo cried.

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 **Chibi: If you're looking for a fanfic that's much better than this, read Kisu Shitemo Ii?! It's the new fanfic I told you about in the last chapter! It's...**

 **Minxy: Wait, wait, wait! Hold the phone! This isn't the fanfic you've told us about.**

 **Chibi: And how would you know that?**

 **Minxy: I've read what you've written so far and it has nothing to do with Salvia getting pregnant. In fact, it's not a Kirby fanfic at all. It's an Earthbound fanfic.**

 **Chibi: Well, I'm writing this and Salvia's pregnant.**

 **Minxy: Oh really? Okay then. This should be easy for you.**

 **Chibi: That's because I'm a good writer.**

 **Minxy: I should get a dollar for everytime you lie to yourself.**

 **Chibi: I AM NOT LYING TO MYSELF!**


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